Ronal The Barbarian

in the beginning there was only darkness and out of that darkness was born the
demons are who loved as a kid ease and oppressor of humankind but from out of
the shadows came Krong warrior above whole warriors and para of the gods saw
[Music] he freed humankind and led them to
victory [Applause]
[Music]
but victory was daily one suffering a
mortal wound to his heart cron bled for seven days and seven nights and a
hundred warriors drank of his spilled blood and bad his strength cron looked
down at them and what he saw was good and with that he died thus were born the
barbarians the mighty sons of cron [Music]
Oh [Applause]
[Music]
[Applause] listen up people
strength courage fearlessness these threads work Ron's gifts to our people
for thousands of generations his undiluted barrage has been running through our veins that is what we
celebrate on this day every year before we go on a quest my first and foremost
it is Ron's blood which makes us barbarians the greatest warriors in all
of metal onea okay Raoul it's your turn role is ill Raoul
is taking a sick day Raoul why don't you just skip me my
elbow is hurting maybe I'm getting osteoporosis jerk-off
elbow come on just give it I just ah [ __ ]
[Music]
[Music]
you have to get in shape before going out on a quest roll me a barbarian who can't swing a double-headed axis well
that's not a real pop berry yeah what the hell am I gonna do on a quest anyway I'll just get in your way why can't I
hang it you're a son of Ron Ron Ron sons go on quests to kill monsters and return home in glory that's the essence of
being a barbarian uncle take a look at me what can I do to harm a monster flex
these muscles and hope it lasts itself to death what's up Ronal have you gotten some
muscles funny hey have you gotten yourself some brain cells huh what yeah
give this one of my back and you're popping for me so freaking typical before the party listen Rory going out
on a quest is more about having big balls rather than big muscles it's about courage once you show you're a real man
questing is fun crushing the enemy is easy okay maybe it's just me but I can't get over the fact that you can seriously
die from questing I'll just shut up and try it [Music]
what the hell is that [Music]
your arm eight arms people [Music]
[Music]
wait hold it
Oh who goes there
[Music] readings noble barbarians Master Florian
bad at your service we merely wish for humble fee of course to enrich your
spectacular buffet of muffled with noble sonatas from olden times about heroes
and heroines
[Music]
[Applause]
what they sing songs at parties parties that badass weapon is not a flame hurler
- [ __ ] tuba man coming cracked open a
skull and ages I know that was a joke [Music]
howdy girls how about washing my massive rocks bit
dirty for Strings loot loot hey it's time for Ellen's no frivolity my tongue
any better duty calls we must practice for the party in there just a little time to check out the honey's no no no a
real bastard comes down to the school how does it have to be so perfect isn't
it about time we went on a quest and join the barbarians tomorrow and getting it all the action look at me
I really need to meet some chicks man I mean write some very important poems and
that sort of thing Oh Allie bet you
won't be ready for that until you know old poems ever written entirely by heart right but that like a hundred years
nonsense total rubbish my little friend I was only 57 when I was fully trained
only a youngster now state
[Applause]
so I went hunting the other day why and just happened to run into an orc kindergarten
cute kids here you go sugar this is for you oh really brings out your eyes
oh you got to see this one too it's an invisibility Body Lotion
I used to last you and I snuck into our era cool right totally sneaky Tiki man you can't even
sit
[Music]
[Music]
[Music]
all sons of chronic gathered Lord Farkas I then the time is covered
[Music] can I take over your shift what about
the party huh yeah I was a bit tired
okay then I blow the horn if you see anything suspicious okay think you can do that ah who cares if I
can blow that shitty horn I just want to be alone okay it's a big horn first to drawing a big breath deep and your gun for God's sake
uncle who in the hell would bother attacking us we're barbarians we've crushed everything in the northern hemisphere
we've never been attacked damn it you may be right but it's the principle that counts it's gonna be the death of me
[ __ ] barbarians man
[Music]
you know what the hell is that
[Music]
[Applause] we're under attack
let's grab your weapons what is your
command unleash the fires of hell
[Music]
[Music] I don't remember ordering any firewood
we're under attack
[Music]
[Music]
[Music]
[Applause]
I really do try fine
just isn't good enough Ronald come on we've gotta save the others
[Music]
are these the famous sons of cron how
pathetic chain them all up and don't leave anyone
behind [Music] wait barbarians never surrender
[Music] [Applause]
[Laughter]
everyone boughs to Lourdes focus on [Music]
take them away you heard Lord fall kazar get the last ones locked up
come on hurry up get the pigs in the cart I haven't got all night
remember your shoes and purses I mean axes we won't be coming back to get them a small problem here this
president don't with the cops what should I do huh that's not a box barian take it out back and kill the [ __ ] what Wow
yeah damn it how it gets the fun job
[Music]
oh what a night my head is killing me
wow this place looks pretty nice t where'd everyone go you have to do the
after party or something hey wait up
[Music] No oh you're alive not for long cronies
calling me no uncle it's probably just a flesh wound Ronal when your parents died
I promised to look after you I kept that promise now it's your turn
promise me something that you'll save the others they're counting on you
rhodol what but but I can't promise me you must go north to the article the
Oracle but but how you are their only
hope you are the last free barbarian
uncle uncle
[Music]
[Music]
hmm coax a disability lotion yo what's
up you going on a quest uh no I have to go find the other barbarians now okay huh sounds like a
quest you're going on the quest I'm not going on a quest I have to find my tribe that is so totally a quest wait up and
who are you howdy a Lebert bard pink to join ya wait hey
you can't say no cuz I'll just follow you like a shadow yeah oh it's gonna be awesome man you know what since we're heading north
why don't we visit the Amazons along the way no I hear the chicks up there totally drool we gotta check it out man
listen it's true stop following me around okay no Amazon chicks are born hotter and hornier than a June bride and
all of it Shh you're a drag man I've got
it we'll go to Borrelia know the women there have curly tails at board it is I
wouldn't that be great they sound like pigs oh come on how are we different here anyway I need to talk
to the Oracle so do you think this dude could hook us up
great ass buddy don't touch me wait
[Music] hello hello will you sure took your
sweet time I've been sitting here since last Sunday are you coming in or what uh sorry what what well you need to wipe my
[ __ ] stain shrivel ass you idiot [ __ ] are you doing here I don't you the [ __ ] nurse uh what no
we we I mean Gondor sent me that's it
I'm done [ __ ] I get to wipe it who is here my goddamn hemorrhoids I gotta tell
you something about this Lord focus arm he's a mighty warrior the dark forces of
the zucchinis protects them yeah well it's not as if I want to fight him or
anything I just want to find my tribe focus our craze the power to rule all a metal onea
so far no one's been able to stop
[Music]
[Music]
[Music]
this guy is surrounded by impenetrable armor no weapon can ever hurt this
bastard there is only one sword with the power to defeat him watch
[Music]
what's so special about that you barbarian of all people should know that this this crown sword
it's a joke right don't you know it
doesn't exist all of our variants have been searching for that stupid sword forever I'm sorry to break it to you old
man but it's just a silly very little only that sword can hurt Lord Volkers
off and you will never save your tribe without killing him power only a
fearless warrior you will be able to use cron Lord and without a great warrior
Baltazar is invincible and without about baby with big balls the tribe is cool
why do I care I'm just an Oracle I don't give a [ __ ] it ain't my fault the
barbarians are captured [Music]
[Music]
chorus all Saucer are my lord that time
is not we must awaken there's a key T's temple soon before it's too late for the ritual are all Kron Suns cart my mission
is complete fantastic my lord no nothing can stop us might ease our crime sons
have all been captured Oh from your son
what what now the great and mighty Saul isn't pleased one of crime Santa's
missing is possible hey I don't understand we didn't leave anyone alive
whoa Heidi the blood of every living barbarian and you gonna let one escape
tell me listen I just witnessed my
village burned to the ground and now I have to find Chron sword even though I haven't got a rat's ass chance of
finding it so will you just shut up with your owns and give me a chance to think hey I could strum a little barbarian
tuna Stan don't please not that crap and Ronnie pollies my his sword and thrust
with all his strength the sward and 2 zucchinis skull which cracks along as we
think that's all what what is that the pilot ekron the ballot of crime has
2,073 versus I know them all by heart and seriously dude Krong gets laid in half of them why why didn't you tell me
about it man that it is late lot know about the lyrics it's about Kron you idiot that first was about his sword was
it any verses about where the sword is quick get to the end from his chest the
blood gushed forth it gushed a night and day you don't know after he dies come on sing it he's brave the sword was lame
please beyond recall the book of wisdom and El Vanguard is bound to make the
call the book of wisdom an elven guard that's it what we've got to go to elven
guard and read the book of wisdom really that's how we'll find the sword those hell babes are totally pitching me you
get gasps quest ok I have two rules for this trip one this is not a quest and
two if we ever see anything that is even remotely quest like will absolutely go
around it go around it gotcha good [Music]
I'm not quite sure but if we just break rule number one or two who are you are
you one of them answer me I'm just an
innocent traveler I swear I I really don't want to disturb you you uh you you you you're massacre of
random men they challenged me to a duel oh no not again [Music]
screw it I'll let you live oh hey Ron oh
I think we just found the fairest warrior a need for cross or what are you crazy she's a [ __ ] psychopath exactly what
are you waiting for aster no [ __ ] hey gorgeous my buddy Ronald wants to ask you
something no he's wondering if a fiesty a warrior babe like you would be into joining our quest you know till I see if
he's track you in and as an added bonus you play with that is Luke by the
campfire if you catch my drift listen I have no idea what he's going on about I really
don't know this [ __ ] I have zero
interest in playing with your instrument hey where you going this is a hell of an offer I told you it was a bad idea
we'll find someone else to save the barbarians did you say barbarians uh yeah
barbarians are they your tribe uh yeah the ones they call the greatest warriors
at MIT ellonija um yeah it's a worthy
cause I'll join you uh sorry what i'm sandra shield meeting of the shield
maiden clan where are you going to the Elven tower we just have to figure out where it is first I think we'll need a
guide there's probably one in the next town follow me hey wait you can't just take over here's a problem with that
listen uh no great let's go score rhodol
she's so into you [Music]
[Music]
Wow you can butter my buns and call me a biscuit this place is sweet okay here we
are yeah okay hey what's up [ __ ]
look oh great it's happy hour it's really crowded today stay behind me
whoa whoa whoa easy now we'll go in quietly we'll find our guide and get out
of here without anyone noticing and no fighting okay
please your call Thanks
[Music]
[Applause] you know what we were looking for a
guide there's only one left in the back behind the [ __ ] ephra
Elric okay thanks uh hey
and are you Elric the voice of the wind is a light in the Evening Sun the
children of the stars lead Mother Earth to rest the darkness is filled by the moans of happy spirits
and the lovers I sensed you would come hurry elves are connected to all living
things let our souls unite oh you are
the Eagles imagination and a caught silent will the music of the copper beeches in your heart oh well now that
sounds interesting listen I'm Ronal and I name's Gary no
meaning okay right but here's the thing I need a guy yes all right but do you need spiritual or physical
guidance we're going to the elven tower I don't have a lot of gold but the ring will tell me what to do with you
stand still let me penetrate your aura why okay
[Music] uh-huh whoo windows me to go with you
my bow will sing with your sword I'm ready I found him my boat we've seen
with your sword whatever let's bounce hey shieldmaiden
leaving so soon how about a little dance
[Music] uh hey hey guys everything everything's
okay we're leaving now no worries we're cool I accept your challenge what they must
defeat me or die you're just [ __ ] agreed not to cause any problem but they challenged me you
promised in and out without any fighting okay it's all up to you muscle boy hey
shield Maiden what's it gonna be listen mmm friends I know you're itching
for a big fight but we're kind of in a hurry now but I'm sure there must be
someone else in here willing to go a few rounds with you so if it's okay with you we'll just leave now
[Music]
[Music]
have you ever seen one of these any last
words shorty that's friggin disgusting
I'm gonna court you like a bottle you little [ __ ] Black Riders
where is it up
no challenge the Lord volcasaurus riders
which one of you [ __ ] order something
[Music]
my lord one more strike and you'll beat your personal record but my lord we have
to find the last son of Cronus all the next full moon or else when are you gonna shut up pencil-dick
hello the target has escaped one it's been a very difficult evening the
Barbarian is being helped by a great warrior I will not tolerate humiliation
bring them to me both of them [Music]
oh are you sure you know where we are it
feels like we're walking and circling speaking to myself we'll be in the elf kingdom soon I sense you said the same
thing two days ago we're lost goddamnit we'll end up dying like those dried-out losers what's so
funny I've heard stories about the Kurds and strength of the barbarians but you have neither you just moan and whine all
the time I happen to find it very funny considering how your ancestors are so I'm a joke why did you come along if you
think I whine so much what's your deal with the Barbarian that's my business stop look meaning what we elves can
connect with all living creatures I was unite with its soul and make it show us the way out
[Music]
look on the other side there's no labyrinth over there the entrance to the
elf Kingdom I didn't
elven gates I salute you did you say
this was the entrance
[Music] come stop the keepers of the gate must
weigh our souls only those of the right
stature are allowed to enter and what about those with a lesser stature what
oh my all the balls will crush them what well shall we go it's just an if I am but I but I can't do it what honestly
guys I'm a pathetic excuse for a barbarian and I'm certainly not of the right stature I don't think that's how
it's bent Rowan all forget it we are going around it that's not a good idea
when you're on a quest you must follow the rules seriously going on quests is only gonna get you killed and if you
insist on calling this a quest then read my lips this is my quest and I have decided that we are going around this
cake come on [Music]
see no death traps no gates no nothing in our way all this quest garbage is so
dump if you just take a moment think a little outside of the box
oh no my man bits what the hell was that we've offended the keepers of the gate I
sense [Music]
[Music]
you almost got us killed how the hell would I know the mountain would come alive just telling you I tried to avoid
problems tried trying just isn't good enough Ronal huh there are always gonna be problems on
questions you're going to have to solve them not go around
[Music] this is the tower of the elves all of
the world's wisdom is in there [Music]
the Book of Wisdom sits within the top chamber this way the moment you read it on its
journey across the darkened sky of night the most sacred of sacred that's fine
that's where we're going no one from the
outside can enter the elf Kings archers have Hawk thighs they kill everything
they see so we'll have to do it the hard
way I kill the two up front while you run across no I'll do it
what alone row No are you crazy they'll kill you before
you make it to the bridge yeah I know but they won't see me there isn't much
left and I'm the smallest one wait here
how do I look pretty sneaky isn't it
what's so funny what what it's it's
[ __ ] empty yeah thanks a lot Cora Oh relax Ronal no one will notice those
down in balls just wait here till I get back okay don't do it Ronal just get
killed
[Music]
[Music] so today Gullit lifts the combi Harvey
it's open
[Music]
[Music]
yeah
[Music]
[Music]
[Music] there it is
let's see we got sort of crawling this
how the hell am I gonna find sort of grande that sit Khan sword piece of cake
like anyone's ever gonna notice
[Music]
[Music]
[Applause]
[Music]
Oh
the map says the cron was buried with his sword in the mountain of eternity my
ELF soul census but it is far far hidden at it fairly close by destiny is on our
side hmm I was wrong about you
what the tower you made it well sort of
you do the barbarians honor uh thanks well I've got an axe to
sharpen so uh I I was thinking hmm well it's just hmm I never thanked you for uh
joining me honestly I couldn't have ever made it without you uh okay well then we
better get some sleep maybe we'll find the sword tomorrow so uh keep watch we elves don't need any sleep you can
all rest easy hmm can I ask you something Ronal uh sure go ahead
what are they like they're barbarians well they're not the brightest I was
thinking more like in here Oh
a barbarian is always there to help when
you need them no matter how dangerous or difficult it is and they go on quests
all the time they're totally fearless kind of hard to believe that I'm one of them huh I'm
their kick-ass warriors right yep the best in the world
kick-ass warriors are so hard to find yeah oh what I dissent from an ancient
tribe of field maidens far far far away
according to our ways I must marry the warrior who defeats me in a duel
[Music] many have tried to defeat me but she's
too strong and with every new duel I grow stronger and stronger in the
meantime everybody else found themselves me one by one I was the only one left
the duels became few and far between and in the end warriors stop coming to
challenge me the tribal elders got angry
they told me to leave and go out into med ellonija and find my own worthy husband a warrior with the strength to
conquer me if somebody defeats me I have to obey his every wish but no warrior
has been strong enough yet but but everywhere I go everybody says that the barbarians are metal Onias greatest
warriors so maybe one of the barbarians from your tribe can beat me that's why I came along uh okay
okay what yeah well uh all that stuff you just told me what's that got to do with love at all what do you mean um I
love whoever defeats me I've waited so long for this I'm about to explode whoa
I I've never told anyone this before oh
I see it feels kind of nice
you know Ronal it's actually nice talking to you you're pretty nice to
talk to I mean okay the other way then
we would have to fight yeah that would really suck yeah that'd be weird you and
me in a duel what was that hey Elric who
yells never sleep hey what's that sound there oh I sense a nasty voice in the
way [Applause] [Music]
[Applause] [Music]
[Music]
[Music] [Applause]
[Music]
no-no-no if we can catch up with them
[Music]
[Music]
[Music]
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[Music] glorious Queen we have caught these horrible women and
have brought them here so you may decide their fate your win come up
let me check them out [Music]
hmm most peculiar women I've never seen
anything like it miss Queen if ugly girl
Oh ask you to speak we're not uh women what we're kind of more like man you
know well almost
Wow the gods have answered our prayers and sent us to finally the time has come
to carry on our tribe take them to the sacred meeting cabin rattle one skinny
one first save the other one
[Music]
[Music] my lord and he knows we caught the
warrior who helped the last barbarian escape bring it out
well look at this I see later and a very
pretty one at that give me a weapon let me fight all good things come to those
who wait nobody touches me you bastard
[Music]
[Music]
[Music]
[Music] impressive you really really turned me
off [Music]
you silly girl
I know your rule shieldmaiden you must
obey me now it is your destiny you you
have to feed it me yes it's about damn
time my turn now tonight's mating ceremony is over you're not up till tomorrow what tomorrow
Queen's orders come back I've got the world's blue ball where are you going we
have to go huh what about the Amazons Xandra is in danger we got to find cron sword and
help her before it's too late Sandra can wait a week or so what we can't just let her down hey if we find
another warrior I don't want to fight another warrior I once Angelo you didn't even water long in the first place
just come screwed you I want to stay here and get laid by some really hot
babes that's the only reason I joined you on your lousy quest hmm oh I forgot
you're not on a quest you're more boring that a yeast infection fine then stay
here [Music]
[Music]
[Music]
[Music]
[Music] what the hell am i doing here
[Music]
are those real of course I just had to see you
first time I laid eyes on you I wanted to rub my naked body all over your manly
chest ah forget the silly rules I just gotta have you I found you very sexy miss
Queen but my friend needs me and I have to go what listen just have your girls
capture me get on my way back
[Music]
[Music]
Oh it
[Music]
[Music]
[Music]
[Music]
well this must be the first barbarians [Music]
whoa mr. Khurana sir
I need to borrow your sword for a bit
so white oh yeah sorry about that
Sandra I'm sorry Ronal how are you
managed to escape my best man is beyond me but now you show up here
watch out exactly like my shield mate said you want my lord consort the only
weapon that can ever harm you Sandra excellent you have served me well I live
to serve you my lord what the hell is going on you little barbarian have a
date with my sauce [Music]
my senses say that Rome releasing great [Music]
deal with in what you must might ezel
here your humble servant the blood of truant sons awaits you open the doors to
your mind
[Music] only once every 10,000 years
is it possible resolved the god of the zucchinis to contact our world I'm
bringing him the ultimate sacrifice the sons of God the warrior who sent him
into the Exile over here after has my reward he will give me his divine power
everybody will obey me oh they fly like
the seeds of dandelions [Music]
[Music]
right here [Music]
what's going on how you stop no but you skinny [ __ ] oh what's
happening man what you do with ground sword it's down there on that altar it's too late there's nothing we can do get
out of here [Music]
tighter I won't be happy till I hear them squeal like my teaser receive this
offering of the blood of the sons of Tron bless us with your
soon I will be mightier than a god and you will be my immortal Queen for all
eternity [Music]
we'll be adorned in here Jim wait mr.
Oliver the bard I'm with you know for the party oh look
old ritual let me feel you did heroes help your leather clothes they drive me
on and the way you shake your is it makes me hard let's dance tonight until the morning
baby I really wanna hold your hand that's so [ __ ] lame
oh well adios
let the chosen one step forward
[Music]
grande sword offer you hurry up we gotta free the others hey man what the hell
God would you believe this [ __ ] are you for real man drama sweet cheeks
your ass is mine you're just salty now just put it down before I whip your ass
over [Music]
hey why don't you chain yourself back up
[Music]
I've been so warning to do [Applause]
[Applause] [Music]
tell them you belong to me shieldmaiden
don't ever forget that yes my lord
[Music]
[Music] buona sera you don't have to do this focus top beat me in a duel
it's my destiny
you've completely frickin lost it is it really your destiny to kill the only
person who actually cares about you just because some ironclad madman beat you in a fight is it
[Applause]
you must drink the blood there's no time left
get every last drop
[Music] [Applause]
[Music]
darkness rewards the sounds of terror
will rise towards the sky all shall bow
to me
[Music]
[Music] [ __ ] saga Draghi pulled his mighty sword
and thrust with all his strength the sword into zucchini skull which cracked along its length what you have to hit
him in the forehead with Chron sword it's great point man it's just
impossible oh no you have to get out of
here go save yourself what are you talking about damn it this is no place for you beat it
no I'm done being a [ __ ] [Music]
[Applause] [Music]
way to go
[Music] I'm so [ __ ] chill may I aim with the
eyes of a hawk my arrow to fly with wings [Music]
[Music]
I got you a little French Luke
[Music]
[Music]
carelessly for me what are you doing
kill David your destiny is to serve no it's over
[Music]
[Music] gokane tribe
let's show them how we barbarians really far
[Applause]
oh [ __ ] this one's for God are
[Applause]
[Music] [Applause] [Music]
Oh oh [ __ ] my g-string as I'm in this I in
years RORO RORO
[Music] gone home
[Music]
[Music] he likes Rana the bestest barbarian who
ever lived
[Music]
what are you staring at I said we don't have to find a duel now
do we know you've already conquered my heart [Music]
Oh [Music]
[Applause] wanna see something nice yes I said it's
a really big tightness in your groin yeah try being strapped to a leather cross for a week the same Siriano the
fuzzies Bavaria [Applause]
don't write like a [ __ ] [ __ ] barbarians [Music]
he was a weak boy laughter he wasn't
yeah oh he was a geek boy with a chest so
small [Music]
[Music]
[Music] [Applause] [Music]
[Music]
big balls hairy balls hard balls hot faves
Harry Bay's yummy Bane's yummy balls and oily muscles
[Music]
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[Applause] [Music]
[Music] [Applause] [Music]
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okay [Music]
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